GLAMel Quötes

 

"A boob is a boob... no matter what, they're worth their weight in gold." --Rev. Cock Johnson

"If you need a ride, I can give you one, but I can't drive." --Zach Danielsread more

"Its almost like predicting where a bank robber will hit next." --KJ Viperhawk on the science of girls

"I dunno, she's kinda like blends in with all the other sluts and hoes you guys bring around... And they're mostly blondes too." --Rev. Cock Johhson

"I had sex once." --CJ Hazard

 

Members

CJ Hazard

The scrappy frontman of GLAMel Töe, CJ Hazard fought his way out of the womb after only 6 months of pregnancy.

He was raised by Jezebel, a young 6' blonde that worked as an exotic dancer at the Cat Club, who fell madly in love with a 4'8", black-haired rock and roll guitarist named Crow. Crow also happened to be a nuclear technician at the San Onofre Power plant. Many believe that CJ was concieved in the left core of that very nuclear reactor.

Growing up in the dark, grungy ghetto of Orange County, CJ learned to survive gang attacks and murder-attempts by recently laid-off ex-corporate office workers (many of whom lost their jobs in the great economic downfall of 2009) using gruesome techniques that the Native Americans used in the deepest, darkest forests of North America - which is where CJ travels to when he is looking to challenge his creator. To this day, CJ never sleeps - he learned to sing by howling threatening notes at wolves when they would try to turn him into prey as he slinked amongst the nocturnal.

During one treck particularly deep in the mountains, he came across a broken barrel, containing the legendary drummer, Zack Daniels, who had recently gone through one of his magical whiskey binges. The two worked together to hunt bears, herding them with the combination of CJ's dangerously high animal-like shrieks, and Zack's feroucious pounding on drums made from tree-trunks and lion-hide.

Before returning to civilization, the two lived on salads made of naturally occuring cannabis and bear-jerky for 2 months. When they returned, Zack announced to the rest of the recently formed GLAMel Töe band that he had found a new vocalist. Sortly thereafter, CJ was introduced as the frontman of GLAMel Töe.


SleazZz

SleazZz won the "BANG YOUR HEAD" contest while he still in high school, and hasn't stopped banging shit since.

In an attempt to unravel his strict Traditional Greek Orthodox Islamic Johovas Witness Moral upbringing, he began experimenting with sexual adventures that eventually took him on a journey across the world. When he got bored of routine sex with rich socialites, he discovered that the rush of fingering the rosewood fingerboard of an electric guitar could bring him a greater high than even the most top notch bitches.

After a brief stint touring the world with the band "Cock Knockers" he met KJ Kevin Viperhawk and the two decided to break free of the shackles that were their old bands, and together, began a quest to forge a new musical direction that would take them to the panties and beyond! This vision would eventually turn into the reality that today, is known as GLAMel toe.


 

J Balls

Young, dumb, and full of cum, J Balls didn't miss the opportunity to strut her inner slut with the rest of GLAMel Töe. Born and raised in a Jewish brothel, J Balls quickly learned how to finger anything and everything, including the antique saloon piano at the (also Jewish) dive bar next door, "The Dirty Yamaka." At a ripe age of 13, she saw GLAMel Töe rock the "The Dirty Yamaka", and seduced KJ Viperhawk, who shortly afterward, was sent to prison for statuatory rape. With no keyboard player, GLAMel Töe simply hired J Balls to take Kj's position as the band keyboardist/bitch.



Since then, this little runaway has been breaking the hearts of GLAMel fans worldwide. Whether she's tickling the ivory on "Key Balls" (her keyboard), or your junk in the men's bathroom after a show, J Balls promises to provide you with a good time wherever and whenever GLAMel Töe rocks the house.


 

Zack Daniels

While drinking a bottle that contains alcohol, you may read a warning on the label that says, "Avoid alcohol if pregnant or trying to conceive." "Zach Daniels" is the reason for this label.

According to the birth certificate, Daniels was concieved to two young ladies, one a rioter and activist for womens' right to choose, and the other a shy catholic girl who attended St. Mary's and All Angels College for Girls. The two met at a political rally, and both were frusterated with their current inability to find their respective prince charming. Soon thereafter, a bottle of deep-south whiskey was introduced, and Zack Daniels was the result of lewd acts that cannot be reprinted on this website without legal repercussion.

As a child with two natural mothers, Daniels learned quickly the ways and whats of the female gender, and by age 12, was seducing 26 year old strippers and 14 year old catholic girls alike into his quarters. It was in these situations that he learned to beat to a solid rythem, and it was these women that showed him that not all round surfaces sound the same when struck.

Soon, Zack Daniels had created his own 16 piece drumset using old whaling barrels and auto-wash shammies. During times of economic hardship, he would brew his own brand of whiskey in these barrels, and sell them to unsuspecting women, telling them that his whiskey was magical (one of these happened to worked as a district attorney, and went on to pass the "health warning label act of 1982"). The thing was, his whiskey actually was magical. It was said that drinking an entire bottle of Zack Daniels whiskey would allow one to transport in that empty barrel to wherever they wanted to go.

Zack Daniels attempted this himself, but wound up too drunk to determine the proper coordinates for Kyoto, Japan. Instead, he found himself in a forest in the Santa Cruz mountains, where he met CJ Hazard. While the two hunted bears together, Daniels was impressed by the rich notes and wide range of CJ's vocal outbursts. Upon returning home, he introduced CJ to the rest of the GLAMel Toe band, and the rest is history.


Reverend Cock Johnson

You will know him by the trail of beercans, Reverend Cock Johnson was one of the authors of the Port Huron Statement (the original Port Huron Statement, not the compromised second draft). Later he became part of the Seattle Seven, with six other guys known for their bold, upfront style.

Johnson started his career in music as a roadie for Metallica on their Speed of Sound Tour (to which his only comment is, "Bunch of assholes"), learning to express his deep inner desire to sock James Hetfield in the face through thunderous bass-lines.

Since then he has conquered several 12 step programs, enabled Lindsey Lohan on three occasions, and put four of his drug dealers children through medical school. He joined the band after SleazZz and KJ Viperhawk saw him booted from a cab for hating the Eagles. He joined their newly created rock band on the spot, under one condition: Don Henley's tunes would never be heard during practice.